People toss around the phrase “emotional roller coaster” a bit too loosely these days. “Avatar was an emotional roller coaster,” or “My child’s birth was a real emotional roller coaster.” Bullshit! I’ve been on a rolling coaster of death that toyed with my emotions, tugging my every heart string, frying my every brain cell, mentally and physically taking me to the brink and back again. In short, I have The D to thank for this.
Surrounded by 50,000 viewers I witnessed the very real, very human drama play out before my eyes. I saw a pair of musicians rise out of wreckage and ash “like a phoenix” fortifying a bond stronger than the greatest wall and bigger than the sun. Then the phone rang.
It was Jack Black’s lawyer. $25 million would be placed into JB’s account for The Pick Of Destiny 2. The catch you ask? Kyle’s out, Kevin James’ is in…done deal.
I witnessed that insurmountable, unbreakable, unsinkable bond have a hole the size of Texas punched into its side sinking it like the Titanic. Kyle Gass, heartbroken and betrayed, pulled down his black gym shorts revealing his bulbous white ass and pointed it in the direction of his former partner in rhyme. Black made one final attempt to convince his brother to stay, but it was met by the flip of Gass’ middle-finger. It spoke louder than any statement could have.
The remorseful Black did what the remorseful do when words alone cannot express their feelings. He broke into song with “Dude I Totally Miss You.” His message was heard as Gass emerged from the wings still unsure of his position in the Tenacious D universe. With a resounding “Fuck Kevin James!” that crashed like a tsunami wave over the rocking and churning sea of Tenacious D-ciples, Gass’ place in their world of two was realized again.
Back together again, the D-namic duo christened their new relationship with a song conveniently written for the occasion entitled “Kyle Quit The Band.” It told of the reformation and their plans to kick ass, smoke hash, make cash, and throw a bash in which everyone was invited. All I can say is they are men of their words.
Suddenly and without warning the sound of crunching gears and pounding machinery filled the field of patrons, overtaking the sweet grooves of The D. Finally the beast showed itself. Slowly trudging out of the shadows came the destroyer of less awesome music genres, a crudely constructed robot built to rid this world of poppy solo acts, smooth jazz, and country music. They call it…The Metal. A badass creature indeed, it was still no match for Tenacious D who vanquished the industrial devil away from Bonnaroo, Jack Black delivering the final blow, a swift flying dropkick to its carborator.
If there is one thing Tenacious D taught us tonight it is that you cannot kill The Metal. In fact, the band wrote a song about The Metal’s immortality called “The Metal,” in which no explanation is provided for indestructibility. The D played it in celebration of its victory and all I can tell you is what the band told me.
“The Metal will live on,” sang Black. “Punk rock tried to kill The Metal but they failed as they were smite to the ground. New wave tried to kill The Metal but they failed as they were stricken down to the ground. Grunge tried kill The Metal but they too failed as they were thrown to the ground. No one can destroy The Metal…”
Black and Gass had fought The Metal and survived. They’d fought each other and overcome it. But how could they possibly defeat Satan himself?
You read correctly, Lucipher had taken over the stage. Summoned by The D’s own disbelief, The Devil showed up to set the record straight. There is a Hell and it’s filled with awesome metal music. Satan was there to claim the souls of the non-believers, but he wasn’t going to leave with more than a boot up his ass if Tenacious D had anything to say about. Thus, a rock-off was held. With the aid of John Spiker on bass and John Konesky – a.k.a. John Bartholomew Shredman- on the electric axe, Tenacious D played the greatest song in the world and sent the evilest demon of them all straight back to the underworld. The band followed up that performance with Tribute, an ode to the greatest song in the world.
Tenacious D had saved themselves, saved us twice, and even dry humped Coco. They had done enough, and it was time for them to go.