Super Bowl XLV: The A&E Review

Eminem Killed A Guy…Slim did well for himself scoring a pair of prime time ads.  In the first, Shady surpassed Rocky Balboa, Babe Ruth, and even Danny DeVito as the most mentally unstable member of the Brisk Claymation Militia.  Em used his time in this alternate universe to spew venomous tirade about all the reasons why he doesn’t do commercials, climaxing at the point where he actually kills the producer by shoving him off a roof, albeit the fast talking, black suited Brisk representative was a clay molded being too, but the implication was, Eminem just committed a murder…Funny, yes, because those of us who don’t have ass backward views on society know its wrong to push someone off a building and won’t actually do it.  However, I’m sure the politicians will jump all over this ad use it as evidence to describe the decay of western civilization.

Now, what the Politicians should be paying attention to is Shady’s second commercial, a Chrysler advertisement in which Slim rolls through The Motor City in a jet black Chrysler, looking ominous, suspicious, and cold blooded.  I give props to Em because (he didn’t conduct a drive-by) he could have done a n idiotic lizard commercial for Vitamin Water (no offense Cudi) or something stupid like that, but he chose to boost his home city of Detroit, a city that’s economy is atrocious, that’s chief export is no longer sleek American automobiles but crippling depression.  This is where our government’s gaze should be focused.  Fuck banks, big business, and oil companies.  Bernie Mac and Doris Day, or whatever their names are, don’t need nor deserve your bailout, your citizens do, your real people.

But as quickly as I give props I’ll take them away.  One thing about that Brisk commercial is accurate, Eminem was never one to do a commercial, nor a man to poke fun at his nonsensical antics, I mean, the guy did get into a publicized shouting match with a cigar puffing hand puppet dog.  Now he’s joshing with America during the Super Bowl about his insanity.  This is the most blatant sell-out I’ve ever witnessed.  Shady sees the light at the end of his career coming on fast.  It pains me to say because his early works are some of my favorites, but since the dude kicked drugs his rhyme game hasn’t been the same.  You can debate all you’d like but Relapse and Recovery are inferior works compared to his back catalogue.  Stated more clearly, these commercials mark the beginning of the end.  He’s cashed in his chips and his self-respect in order to make the green while people still willing to give it.

The Award For Worst Super Bowl Halftime Show Ever Goes To…the monstrosity of a production that was The Black Eyed Pees’ performance.  All the green lights in the world couldn’t distract from the group’s stunning singing inabilities and lack of stage presence…The four of them stood so still I thought I saw a pigeon land on apl.de.ap.

The NFL has gotten right for the past few Bowl Games with Paul McCartney, The Stones, Prince, Tom Petty, Bruce and The Band, and The Who…that was one hell of a run.  But in this business, it’s what have you done for me lately, and this past show was a bust.

I didn’t think anything could be than the four headed monster that was Aerosmith, N’SYNC, Brittany Spears, and Nelly in 2001, but The Black Eyed Peas proved to be a hell-beast of a darker, more depressing shade.  On a brighter note, at least Fergie didn’t piss herself again…that shit was gross.

The National Embarrassment…I think my dad said it best of Christina Aguilara,  “She’s looking old, and she’s getting fat too, not the best way to go in show business.”  I defended her too until she drunkenly crooned so intensely that the former Mouskateer FORGOT THE WORDS TO THE NATIONAL ANTHEM!!!

It’s okay when it happens to a 13-year old girl at a Mavericks/Trail Blazers’ game because nobody watches those teams anyway.  But it is most definitely an atrocity when a five-time Grammy winner skips an entire verse and begins making up new words to bridge the gap.  Well done Christina, and F.Y.I., don’t thank the audience for their applause at the end of our nation’s song.  They were cheering for their country, not for the mockery you made of it.

Ozzy Reared His Demonic Head in a hilarious Best Buy advertisement featuring his Queen of Darkness and the new Prince of Pop Justin Bieber.  Best Buy Figured finally figured it out, and as cruel as it may sound, confused old people make for great comedy, just ask the Jackass crew, the producers of Live With Regis And Kelly, and the Daytime programmers of the Food Network.

But it’s nice to know Bieber is humble enough to joke about himself, answering Ozzy’s inquiry “What’s a Bieber?” while clad in plaid and a fake beard, “I don’t know but he looks like a girl.”  I agree Justin, you do have a Ghost era Demi Moore faspect about you.

Films:

I’m definitely seeing Super 8, J.J. Abram’s monster movie follow up to Cloverfield.  If this goes well for Abrams, which I can only assume it will since everything the creator of Lost touches turns to gold, despite how stupid the concept of a magical smoke monster is, he is definitely in the running as the top Sci-Fi film creator of my generation.

Cowboys & Aliens is going to be awful…but I’ve seen The Happening and this new Jon Favreau film is so unbelievably star studded that I can’t stay away.  Besides the fact the concept is great, Aliens attack a town in the old west, the movie is backed monetarily by both Steven Spielberg and Ron Howard, among others, it also stars Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Oilvia Wilde, and Sam Rockwell.

Johnny Depp is a his comedic best when he’s fast talking, confused, and a little bit insane (Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas, The Pirates Series) and by the looks of the trailer for Rango, an animated film in which Depp plays a chameleon/law man in a terrarium that doesn’t take kindly to heroes.  Could be very funny.

Remember that time you and your friends smoked up, went to see Ponyo, and had a great time because of all the trippy colors, that could be Rio…there were so many colorful birds in that trailer.  And talking animals could make for a great time under those circumstances.

The Title is Battle: Los Angeles…what the title should read is District 9 (Part 2) Revenge Of The Prawns.  It looks way too much like Neil Blomkamp’s academy award nominated 2009 film.  But I love a good alien invasion film as much as the next guy.  So I’ll check it out.

And these last two are must sees, but that goes without saying.

About rote7123

Chris graduated from The College Of New Jersey in May 2011 with a Bachelor Degree in Journalism and Professional Writing, as well as a degree in Communication Studies. He has held down a position in the Asbury Park Press’ Sports Department since September of 2010 and is a contributor to the outlet's Arts & Entertainment section, and has contributed to The Aquarian Weekly all while being the sole operator of Asbury Park's premier music news outlet Speak Into My Good Eye.
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